Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Marlboro Men
I wrote this for a writing thing that some friends and I are doing, it was very last minute, so it is very short. I will probably post more writings later.
The Christmas lights were up, but they weren't on- it was mid July. Dwayne went to the fridge, took a Budweiser, closed the fridge and then, on second thought, reopened the fridge and removed two slices of slimy lunchmeat. Dwayne was in his late forties and had hair and skin that looked like it was always dusty. He settled into a director's chair with the name “Sandra” across the back in big white letters. There was a matching chair next to it that read “Dwayne”, but that seat was covered with the week's mail. In addition to the two names, the chairs also featured smaller red letters that spelled out “Marlboro”. Dwayne was a Marlboro man, and he and Sandra, or Sandy, as he called her, used to joke that Sandy was a Marlboro man as well. They had gotten the chairs through a promotional offer that Marlboro had done years ago, back when their daughter Faith was young and around the time that they moved into the house on Cedars lane. They had set the chairs up in the garage and, on hot summer days, would both sit out there and smoke, perched in their individual chairs, watching the driveway.
Dwayne had moved the chairs into the house when Sandy took the couch nearly eleven years ago. One of the pieces of mail that rested in Dwayne's chair was from Faith. The handwriting on the address was large and childlike, despite the fact that Faith was already twenty five. Dwayne ate the first piece of lunch meat and draped the other over the wooden arm of the director's chair. He took out a cigarette, lit it, and smoked. It was Skoll because the easy mart was out of Marlboros. Dwayne finished his beer, got up from Sandy's chair, put the cigarette in his mouth, and began thumbing through the mail. He picked up Faith's letter, turned it over in his hand, eyed it, and then set it back down, unopened.
Finishing his cigarette, Dwayne went into the backyard. He threw the butt onto the small cement patio, but was carful to make sure that it wasn't lit. The weeds in the backyard had grown high, some even reaching over Dwayne's head.They had dried in the summer sun. Dwayne had not seen his Border Collie, Randi, in a few days and assumed that, as Randi was an old dog, he had probably either died in the backyard or escaped and gotten hit. Randi had actuarially been Sandra's dog but, since he was too big for her apartment, he had been left with Dwayne. Randi was not allowed inside the house. Dwayne walked the perimeter of the fence, searching for either Randi or a hole that he could have escaped through. Finding nothing, he began to work his way into the thick tangle of foxtails and grasses.
Dwayne found Randi's body in a patch of grass that had been shaded from the summer sun by the neighbor's cottonwood tree. He fetched a shovel from the garage and used it to push Randi to the side. He sank the shovel into the dirt where Randi had lain and began digging. He kept digging and digging.
The Christmas lights were up, but they weren't on- it was mid July. Dwayne went to the fridge, took a Budweiser, closed the fridge and then, on second thought, reopened the fridge and removed two slices of slimy lunchmeat. Dwayne was in his late forties and had hair and skin that looked like it was always dusty. He settled into a director's chair with the name “Sandra” across the back in big white letters. There was a matching chair next to it that read “Dwayne”, but that seat was covered with the week's mail. In addition to the two names, the chairs also featured smaller red letters that spelled out “Marlboro”. Dwayne was a Marlboro man, and he and Sandra, or Sandy, as he called her, used to joke that Sandy was a Marlboro man as well. They had gotten the chairs through a promotional offer that Marlboro had done years ago, back when their daughter Faith was young and around the time that they moved into the house on Cedars lane. They had set the chairs up in the garage and, on hot summer days, would both sit out there and smoke, perched in their individual chairs, watching the driveway.
Dwayne had moved the chairs into the house when Sandy took the couch nearly eleven years ago. One of the pieces of mail that rested in Dwayne's chair was from Faith. The handwriting on the address was large and childlike, despite the fact that Faith was already twenty five. Dwayne ate the first piece of lunch meat and draped the other over the wooden arm of the director's chair. He took out a cigarette, lit it, and smoked. It was Skoll because the easy mart was out of Marlboros. Dwayne finished his beer, got up from Sandy's chair, put the cigarette in his mouth, and began thumbing through the mail. He picked up Faith's letter, turned it over in his hand, eyed it, and then set it back down, unopened.
Finishing his cigarette, Dwayne went into the backyard. He threw the butt onto the small cement patio, but was carful to make sure that it wasn't lit. The weeds in the backyard had grown high, some even reaching over Dwayne's head.They had dried in the summer sun. Dwayne had not seen his Border Collie, Randi, in a few days and assumed that, as Randi was an old dog, he had probably either died in the backyard or escaped and gotten hit. Randi had actuarially been Sandra's dog but, since he was too big for her apartment, he had been left with Dwayne. Randi was not allowed inside the house. Dwayne walked the perimeter of the fence, searching for either Randi or a hole that he could have escaped through. Finding nothing, he began to work his way into the thick tangle of foxtails and grasses.
Dwayne found Randi's body in a patch of grass that had been shaded from the summer sun by the neighbor's cottonwood tree. He fetched a shovel from the garage and used it to push Randi to the side. He sank the shovel into the dirt where Randi had lain and began digging. He kept digging and digging.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Check it
These two have always been awesome at davis open mic night, and now their video is getting pretty big! It's good to see them getting some praise from the mainstream!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Snark week is over
And it was kind of bullshit. I only did two snarks, and they were all easy, but , turns out, I don't like snarking on the internet. Or at least when I don't have to. Anyways, I may start doing a video, called "two minutes hate" on this blog sometimes. Just a picture of Dane Cook with abrasive music.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
You know that old barn out behind the cemetery?
If you have visited me or hung out with me, I have probably taken you there. Well, turns out, it is widely considered "haunted" and has a backstory to fit.
http://daviswiki.org/Chiles_Mansion
"This place is haunted, and not just because it is next to the cemetary! We boarded a horse there for many years, and many of the boarders had strange experiences and believed the place to be haunted. When we were there, the little girl's horse was still alive, and perhaps she was near. We experienced sightings of a figure in white, (the type of thing that you see from the corner of your eye, then when you look closely, it is gone), the sound of the heavy metal fence squeaking open when it was secured shut, as well as the generally creepy feeling of the place. One day,in broad daylight, a horse seemed to have moved from one stall to the next, simply appearing in the new stall with no human intervention. When I heard that a subdivision would be built and people would live there, those horror movies came to mind. I wouldn't live there if it were free!" Quoting the silly wiki post.
http://daviswiki.org/Chiles_Mansion
"This place is haunted, and not just because it is next to the cemetary! We boarded a horse there for many years, and many of the boarders had strange experiences and believed the place to be haunted. When we were there, the little girl's horse was still alive, and perhaps she was near. We experienced sightings of a figure in white, (the type of thing that you see from the corner of your eye, then when you look closely, it is gone), the sound of the heavy metal fence squeaking open when it was secured shut, as well as the generally creepy feeling of the place. One day,in broad daylight, a horse seemed to have moved from one stall to the next, simply appearing in the new stall with no human intervention. When I heard that a subdivision would be built and people would live there, those horror movies came to mind. I wouldn't live there if it were free!" Quoting the silly wiki post.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Startin' snarking with an easy target
I know that this guy is an easy target if there ever was one, but at least he isn't so easy as, say, Carlos Mencia...
...DANE COOK
I mean just look at this guy! I'm just going to start with appearances. He is performing in front of thousands of fans and what is he wearing? A stupidly cut t-shirt and some ill matched jeans. Jesus Christ.
For my next point, you can just skip to about 6:50 in this video, if you don't want to deal with the mind numbing inanity that is Dane Cook's comedy.
Okay, now on to my real qualm. Do you see the way that this man acts as if the word "snarky" is some kind of a novelty. All like "yeah, its a real word," "google that shit" and "google magic, people". Jesus Dane, give your audience some credit, last time I checked, the word "snarky" is not exactly "esoteric." Yeah, "esoteric" people, google that shit, google magic my friends. While you're at it, google "bullshit".
I'm not even going to touch on the actual content of his comedy, plenty of other people have. If you want to know more, just google "Dane Cook sucks". Google magic, my friends. Google magic indeed.
PS: UPDATE, WHY THE HELL DOES HE ACT LIKE "CLUSTERFUCK" IS A BIG DEAL! DANE!!!!
- The Judge
...DANE COOK
I mean just look at this guy! I'm just going to start with appearances. He is performing in front of thousands of fans and what is he wearing? A stupidly cut t-shirt and some ill matched jeans. Jesus Christ.
For my next point, you can just skip to about 6:50 in this video, if you don't want to deal with the mind numbing inanity that is Dane Cook's comedy.
Okay, now on to my real qualm. Do you see the way that this man acts as if the word "snarky" is some kind of a novelty. All like "yeah, its a real word," "google that shit" and "google magic, people". Jesus Dane, give your audience some credit, last time I checked, the word "snarky" is not exactly "esoteric." Yeah, "esoteric" people, google that shit, google magic my friends. While you're at it, google "bullshit".
I'm not even going to touch on the actual content of his comedy, plenty of other people have. If you want to know more, just google "Dane Cook sucks". Google magic, my friends. Google magic indeed.
PS: UPDATE, WHY THE HELL DOES HE ACT LIKE "CLUSTERFUCK" IS A BIG DEAL! DANE!!!!
- The Judge
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Starting tomorrow...
Everyone's favorite week...
SNARK WEEK.
It's like Shark Week, but instead of Discovery Channel (TM) making big shit out of some sharks, I just get all snarky on everyone's asses. Yes!
-The Judge
SNARK WEEK.
It's like Shark Week, but instead of Discovery Channel (TM) making big shit out of some sharks, I just get all snarky on everyone's asses. Yes!
-The Judge
Thursday, July 1, 2010
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